My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣