My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here