My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
might go to prison so i can focus on the gym properly
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”