My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The United Steaks of America
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me too 😆
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do