Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.