My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

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[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.


Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*


Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.


“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.


Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.