My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Nice try, NASA
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.