@TheNYAMProject

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

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@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@CandyEmpires

Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

@treydayway

Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@flashember

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

@Momtoteens

Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.