My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018


I’m gonna get a local farmer to produce my next album. I heard he had some sick beets.


If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.


[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories


You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.


Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls


[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”


Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?


With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull