My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
cats when you pet them too long:
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.