Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

…

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

GM✌🏻

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Hey I worked for it too!

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.