My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
