My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
You Might Also Like
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Interior designer.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler