My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I have a type: disappointing
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.