My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Candles never taste the way they smell
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?