Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

How many? 🤔

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that