Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

went fishing caught a bass

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures