My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
courtroom exchange of the day
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.