My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You Might Also Like
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
<—- homeless romantic
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.