My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.