My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.