My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
You Might Also Like
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
my proudest tweet
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.