Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”