I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!