High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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Because dodging your own family wasn’t enough.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I never cry over spilt milk.
But, beer? That shit’s totally different.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.