My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
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Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Life cycle of cat
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends