Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it