Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Damn what did I do next

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave