My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If you know, you know
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Smooooooth
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.