@tracietom

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

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@Jake_Vig

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

@Gupton68

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

@eddie_ferrero

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

@deegeemindi

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

@kind_ofa_bitch

So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

@carlyken

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife