@tracietom

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

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@mommajessiec

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@Seinfeld2000

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

@stephenjmolloy

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

@AlexvanBeek

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

@wolfpupy

i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass

@DebHawk12

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

@RoobsC

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

@EndhooS

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

@Wordesse

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”