My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.