Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

can’t bark with your mouth full

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

#SCOTUS one-star review

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

when unicorns get really drunk

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”