My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Butt weight. There’s more!
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.