My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”