My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.