My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.