My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.