My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Whoa 😂
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.