My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
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Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
synchronized noseblowing
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬