Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Pigeon open mic night.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.