My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*