My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
