My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
October 31
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me as a therapist: omg same
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.