My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now