My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
How do horror writers compete with current events?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing