Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.