My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Love this one 😂🧟
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.