Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show