Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

it is time once again

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

A fake ID that makes you younger

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now