Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad