Always leave them wanting their money back.
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.