My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too