Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

🍂🕷️🍂

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops