Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

This is sending me to another galaxy

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1468997781406851077/pu/vid/738x720/NW5oY3-OE9loxzpz.mp4?tag=12

what’s more important?

☠️ ☠️

how to have fun when you’re poor

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!