Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

File under excellent bookstore names.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click