Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1319084732811038720/pu/vid/960x540/gvtimZcazHXw27Hc.mp4?tag=10

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

I missed you with all my darts

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.