My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Feel. He’s so soft.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
step 6: release the wall snake
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…