My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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Breaking news:
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second