my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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This anagram machine is out of order.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Think I pulled my liver
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Room with a view.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I’m confused about plants
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine