My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
