My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Who needs an Air Fryer?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
