ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to
Go ahead. Have kids
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.
In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts
Daughter: What’s a newt?
Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?