I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry