My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.