My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
A friend sent me this.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.