My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
You Might Also Like
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.