My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Grandpa
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.