My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
🌱🌱🌱
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is