My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
a New Yorker reject, for you
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
