My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You Might Also Like
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Based Erika
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.