My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!