My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.