Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

😂💯

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters