Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really