My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.