My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.