My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me