My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Did I do this right
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.