Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

choose your gary

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

ㅤ

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.