Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

bury ourselves

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.