Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender