Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.